Trauma Healing

Personal Experience Healing from Trauma

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Healing from trauma is a lifetime of work and dedication. Hi, my name is Cindy. I have started this blog to be more like a diary. I share my thoughts and experiences and joys so that I may touch just one heart out there. I won’t claim to know it all, as I am not a doctor. But what this is will be my own experience of trauma and recovery. And maybe a friend whom can share their wisdom as well. We are all walking this same journey in life. But all of our paths are different. I believe in oneness. I believe we are connected. Trauma doesn’t have to be huge to be trauma. Just being born can be a traumatic experience. Let’s talk about this and see where it goes.

  • Regression

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    This is a big word to chew on, but I think I’ve been regressing the past three (3) weeks. I don’t know what’s causing it, but I am noticing.

    One thing I’ve noticed for sure is I’m shuffling cards again, several times a day. I don’t know what’s causing this or what I’m looking for(?). I guess I’m trying to get my mind to think on other things besides ruminating all night over crazy stuff. Or… I’m trying to read my own mind. My thoughts are so disorganized.

    I again woke up at 1am. Same nightmare. Same unsafe feeling.

    One positive note: I finally said my peace to this person. I didn’t go into a lot of detail, just that I now know what he meant when he said everything that happened to me was his fault. I had to do my own detective work to figure out just what he meant. After talking with other friends of mine whom were also affected I now know, when he said everything he meant everything. I could’ve said a lot more to him, but you know, messages can get too long and I’m not calling him over the phone.

    I also told him how he’s affected my life and sense of safety. I’m glad I got that out. Maybe NOW I CAN MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE (?). There is so much more I’d like to say. But I better just keep the rest to myself. I don’t think he’s a person that handles criticism too easily. So I’m afraid to say too much out of fear of retaliation. All I know is I don’t hang around evil people. I told him that too (not the evil part, but that I don’t hang around people who play so dirty).

    The message did give me some relief.

    You know, now that I think about it, I shuffle cards whenever there is a full moon. For about three (3) days my intuition is really strong, which makes reading cards easier for me. And it seems to me, I noticed the other morning the moon was full as the sun was starting to appear. That could be where my sudden interest to read cards again came from. I don’t do it on purpose. It just seems during full moons the cards call out to me, saying read me! And after the fact I notice a full moon. I’ve actually been recording some of them and find it very interesting when I watch it back. It’s like things pop out even after just watching them. It’s given me ah-ha moments a lot.

    We are out of January and onto February. I am slowly perking up with this increase in temperature we’ve been experiencing. Not that it’s been incredibly warm, but after having below 0 temps 19 degrees feels pretty good. I even washed my car at 19 degrees. But that’s because the sun has been out and I was sure to wipe down my door jams after running through the washer so they wouldn’t freeze on me.

    Anyway, that’s about all I have to say at this present moment. I hope everybody has a wonderful day.

  • Frustration and Fear

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    I’m am getting incredibly frustrated with this lack of sleeping due to nightmares. I’ve been waking up around 1-1:30am every night for the past three (3) weeks now because of this recurring nightmare I keep having. The nightmare is real, as in, it is something that happened in the past that I don’t like talking about or even thinking about. But it bubbles out in my dreams.

    I have been clean from meth for almost six (6) years, but it still affects me in several ways. Nightmares are one of them. Nightmares have become a normal way of life for me. The past three (3) weeks though have been really rough, as I’m unable to fall back to sleep.

    I still live in fear. That man really messed me up. My sense of safety has been totally fractured. I’m afraid of the dark now. I never used to be. I’m paranoid about my electronics all the time. Even with a new phone that he’s never had access to. Every off the wall thing that happens makes me think he has something to do with it.

    I do know that the best healing is when I feel nothing about it at all. Ive still got a long ways to go.

    I’m hoping this PE therapy helps/works. Unfortunately, I’ve got to reschedule all of my appointments, because of a change in work hours.

    I’m still pretty angry. It’s pretty sad that a person can’t be open and honest in the first place. He never asked me to date him. He never asked. I figured we were just ….. drug/F buddies. I know that doesn’t say much about me, but it’s the truth. Meth makes you do weird things. Thank God I got out of it within two (2) years. Who knows where I’d be today.

    On a brighter note:

    Cyng

    I did something Saturday night that I haven’t done in ….. at least ten (10) years. I hosted a dinner party. I think maybe this is a slight sign of healing (?). I am so proud of myself that I could push through the anxiety that normally engulfs me.

    There were a total of six (6) of us in my tiny apartment. But we made it work. Some people brought chairs, so it worked out perfect.

    We made shrimp Alfredo with Angel Hair pasta and Texas cheese bread. It was very delicious. 🤤

    I’m already planning and preparing for my next dinner party. I’ve made plans with a friend to have T-bone steak that was given to me by another friend for helping her after her back surgery …

    Gee, I’m realizing I really do have friends. And that is another reason to be grateful.

    Anyway, I feel very accomplished today. I washed my clothes and took a shower before work. After work I ran to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. From there I ran to my daughter’s house to borrow her vacuum (I still have yet to afford one). I washed my car, then I came home and tackled my floor. Now it’s nice and shiny clean. I used doTerra’s on guard essential oil and dawn dish soap, so it smelled somewhat of cinnamon. Like I said, I feel very accomplished. All that, and I even worked in between.

    It helps when the weather is nice. It really lifts my mood. I mean, it wasn’t that nice, but warmer than it has been the past week. And I think it’s supposed to be nice now for the next week. Fingers crossed 🤞.

  • Sleepless Nights

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    I normally have trouble sleeping, but this past week has been the worst. I wake up about 1am from nightmares and am unable to fall back to sleep.

    I am now convinced that everything that happened to me during the incident was real. I’ve spoken to some of my friends and was given more details about what was happening on their phones during the incident. Now I know it was all real. God must’ve thought I wasn’t ready to hear the truth before now.

    I also asked ChatGPT if chrome cast can get hacked into and she said it sure can. She explained how and what the hacker (or prankster) can do once they’ve hacked into it. They can stream YouTube videos, tarot was especially mentioned. Of course ChatGPT said it would be done as a prank. Some prank.

    So, what do I do with this new information? Nothing. There’s nothing I can do about it, it was too long ago. But, at least now I know I wasn’t crazy. I knew the truth back then, and I know the truth now. That man really did me dirty. The whole time I was blaming the wrong person.

    I don’t think I will ever forgive him. I feel his apology was half ass. He wouldn’t tell me specifically what he did. But now I know. He did everything. That’s what he admitted to. Everything.

    If this person would have communicated his feelings to me things may be different right now. He never asked me to be his girlfriend. We were both on meth. Everybody knows meth Ramps up your sex drive. For all I knew he was messing around with somebody all those times I couldn’t get ahold of him. I had no idea what was going on between us. But he told me he loved me all the time. The whole time this garbage was going on. But he was never available when I needed him.

    I do believe this is a new start for me. I feel …. Settled. I still wish people would believe me, but in the long run it really doesn’t matter. I know the truth, and I still have my daydreams.

    Cyng – Quotes Creator

    Now that I know the truth I feel like I can actually complete a book on it. Because now I have an ending.

  • To Trust or Not to Trust

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    I am learning that I am not as far along on my healing path as I had thought. I still get easily triggered. My way of dealing with the issue has been to avoid it. My therapist and I are at a standstill. She feels we can go no further until I get some specialized help. She referred me to Prolonged Exposure Therapy. I don’t know what that means, but I missed their phone call and did call back, only to leave a message in return. That was yesterday.

    I don’t like to talk to people about what happened to me during those two years I was on meth. It’s embarrassing. It’s unbelievable. I can’t get over it. It’s beyond explanation. And because I think there was some truth to the delusions, that makes it even harder. To decipher fact from fiction. It seems this man has me right where he wants me. Always wondering.

    Honestly, I’m scared to death of this man. I believe he holds grudges. And gets even in real shady ways. And gets away with it. And his ways were really shady. Mean. And when he finally got busted in August 2023 he called me a month later to apologize for everything that happened to me, saying everything was his fault. But when I asked him specifically what he’s apologizing for he said, “Just know that everything you went through was my fault”. But without him being specific, I don’t know what to think. There was a lot that happened.

    Those two years made me realize how secluded I had been my whole life. I used to take people at face value. What they say is what they mean. Now, I feel like I have to read between the lines to catch the real meaning. For example: You say you love me. But your actions show you don’t have time for me. So, how can you say you love me?

    It takes me a very long time to trust people. I mean, probably, like a year. A year of constant communication. People don’t like that. I can’t help it. I have a pretty big bubble. I like my space. At least right now. Right now I choose me.

  • My Alters

    Most people call what I have nick knacks. But I call them alters.

    Cyng

    This is my first alter. This is my prayer for my family. I pray for peace for my family. It holds pictures of my family with a tea light candle. I burn one every night.

    Cyng

    This is my second alter. It has a Himalayan salt lamp that was given to me from the person whom introduced me to meth. The drum on the wall I made myself. It makes a fabulous sound.

    To the right, I have a white angel candle from a friend of mine whom died of brain cancer. You can also see his small urn, given to me and I am so appreciative.

    The back flow incense burner was given to me by a friend whom, at this time is not speaking to me.

    Cyng

    This is my third alter. I consider this one my own prayer for myself. It may sound selfish, but I believe in prayer for my own well being. It has a small singing bowl, which I can play. It also has petrified wood on the top, it’s for grounding, stability, protection, transformation and connecting to ancestors.

    It has Amazonite, which is known as the stone for courage and truth.

    Malachite, symbolizes change, protection and renewal.

    Lastly, Carnelian, known for courage, creativity and motivation.

    The bottom of the alter has several stones. Rose quartz, which we all know is unconditional love. Amethyst for healing.

    Then we have Lapis Lazuli, Selenite, Amethyst, Snowflake Obsidian and Tigers Eye in a holder.

    Lapis Lazuli is about intuition. It centers on truth, wisdom and enlightenment.

    Selenite is for purity, peace and high spiritual vibration.

    Amethyst again is healing and is a good stone for sobriety.

    Snowflake Obsidian is for purity, balance and protection.

    Tigers Eye strength, courage, protection and good luck.

    The link hanging on the wall above this table is the seven (7) chakras.

    Oh, I almost forgot the citrine stone and the mahogany jasper stone.

    Yellow Citrine is for Joy, abundance and prosperity. The mahogany stone is for grounding, strength, protection and spiritual growth.

    It also has three (3) gems on the bottom shelf I got from one of my grandkids.

    Cyng

    This alter is a prayer for peace for my enemies. It holds Flourite, for clarity, focus and harmony. Polychrome Jasper for joy, vitality, grounding and passion. Rhodinite helps to reduce and suppress anxiety. This is also known as a love stone, but refers more to healing old wounds, forgiveness and peace in a loving way.

    Orca Agate is known for transformation, courage and inner peace.

    And lastly Bloodstone activates our inner strength, willpower and courage that’s been masked by fear.

    Besides those we have stones that resonate with garnet and obsidian. Love passion, commitment and protection. Obsidian resonates with protection, warding off negative energies and psychic attacks.

    Garnet possesses love, passion, commitment and protection.

    Lastly, a healing stone.

    Cyng

    This last alter is my prayer for world peace. It holds a glass sphere with a light under it for showing off. Top shelf Chevron Amethyst providing enhanced spiritual insight, balance and protection. Angelite is for keeping contact with your angelic guides and Sunstone for joy.

    The second shelf holds Kambaba Jasper for nurturing and grounding, a purple crystal ball and Black Tourmaline for protection.

    Bottom shelf holds Sodalite, which is for clear communication, intuition and spiritual growth. Howlite for tranquility, patience and stress relief. And lastly, Volcanic Agate, which is good deep emotional healing, self forgiveness, protection and inner peace.

    And that is my alters in a nutshell. They all mean a lot to me.

  • I’m Struggling. But I Sure Feel Blessed

    Cyng

    That is a Himalayan Salt Lamp I finally got out of storage. What a treasure it was to find. And I’m glad I was able to find a spot for it in my apartment. You may also notice another new addition as well.

    I finally figured out what makes me sneeze so much in the mornings. I think I’m allergic to dry coffee grounds. I finally caught myself sneezing up a storm while making coffee this morning. Looking back, I see a pattern.

    I went back to storage today and picked up some more treasures. I’m already preparing for another alter. I picked up a thinner 3-drawer tote from storage today. Again, a great treasure to find. It wasn’t as full as I had imagined I’d left it, so I was able to put all of my incense, sage, purpose candles, etc. in it. This gives it great purpose.

    I also ran across a devotional a friend of mine from outpatient treatment gave me back in February 2021. It’s called, “A Grandmother’s Guide to Praying For Her Family”, by Nancy Ann Yeager. Below is what I read today:

    A Grandmother’s Guide to Praying for Her Family by Nancy Ann Yaeger. Pg 13

    All this nostalgia has been wonderful, yet triggering. As I bring this stuff out from the past it seems each piece reminds me of something. Where I was when I first grew interest, and what state of mind was I in (?).

    I remember getting this devotional. But at the time I was so wrapped up in myself I put it aside. Now, 4-5 years later, it means something to me. And that’s how I believe life goes.

    Back to my original thought: This 3-drawer tote has a top to it (of course). I’m trying to decide what kind of alter I can put on it. I love alters. And they all mean something special and different to me…. It’s like lining my wishes up all in a row 🤔 😁.

    Cyng

    I can’t blame these interests on meth anymore. I had these interests prior to meth coming along, I just never practiced them. I was afraid of what people would think of me. I come from a very conservative community. I do believe in God, and Jesus, and that because of what Jesus did I can now go to God with no shame.

    I’ve been on both sides of the coin and I would say it’s all the same. It’s just called all kinds of different names.

    Even in the Bible Jesus is described as the High Priest. So, to me, it’s all just a different word for the same thing.

    Cyng

    4:44 you are surrounded and protected by your angels.

    I’m still trying to come up with an idea for an alter. What can I pray about…. ?

    Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace in the world. Peace for my family and friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray.

    Maybe my alter should pertain to peace ☮️ 🤔…..

    I ran across an item that really reminded me of the man who introduced me to methamphetamine. I threw the item away. It was a one (1) stem blue glass flower vase. I had a hard time letting it go. But that’s only because it reminds me of him. He was a vase collector. I think I got that vase from him. Or, I bought it for him and he didn’t like it. OR, I bought it for myself. Whatever the story, after taking it out of the garbage three (3) times and putting it back, I DID walk away from it.

    Haha. Okay, so I took it out of the dumpster the next day. I just happened to run into it looking for something else I accidentally threw away. I don’t have a spot for it yet, but maybe on the tote 🤔

    Cyng

    Anyway, that’s the vase. It needs a flower. I might have to get myself one. Unless, my lover boy reads this and gets the hint 🫆 😁.

    Yes, I am seeing someone. A Capricorn ♑️. So, what’s my struggle you ask? I’m struggling because I really like him, but I don’t think he’ll put up with me for too long. I’ve still got a lot of trauma. Most of it sexual. I don’t believe I’ve been able to move past that yet. And I know people find that frustrating. But I can’t help it.

  • Feeling Vulnerable

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    So, a friend and I stopped speaking to each other, again. I confronted her on a behavior of hers and she blocked me after that. I strongly feel like I’m dealing with someone with NPD. And sometimes I wonder if I’m trauma bonded to this relationship/friendship.

    We go around and around, all of the time. She blocks me when I say something she doesn’t like. And I know she knows how I feel about people blocking people. But she wants to play that game. That’s fine. She’s not hurting my feelings anymore like she used to. I’ve actually acclimated to the treatment.

    The truth is, I don’t want someone in my life like that anymore. She can’t be a friend and she can’t be a romantic. She’s controlling and manipulative. She lacks empathy and compassion, except for the compassion she has for herself. The only sad part about it is I have to end more friendships, because they were mutual friends. And, since she runs the show none of them are talking to me either. That’s a little disheartening (and NPD behavior), but I’ve gotta just let it go and move forward with my life. I can’t stand this constant back and forth. Next time I run into her I’m running in the opposite direction. I have a feeling this is our last “breakup” (though I believe a lot of people are making bets).

    Our friendship has been volatile for many years. I would say ever since I divorced my second husband. That was over ten (10) years ago now. I think it’s time to give it up. Sometimes I really want to say something to her, but I know it’s just my ego talking, wanting to get the last word in. I remind myself a lot not to start anything or say anything. Because I don’t want to deal with the denial she lives in. So, we’re just going to leave things be. Let the dust settle. Time heals everything. That is something I’ve learned through all this growing. I don’t have to have the last word, I don’t have to explain myself, and I don’t have to convince anybody of anything. None of it even matters anymore.

  • Some People Really Frustrate Me

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    I don’t know if I should even be talking about this, but I find some people to really be idiots. That includes me. But seriously, I have a co-worker …. This person is an idiot. I don’t know what else to say about it. She’s trying to tell me things about the job that I know are not accurate. I’ve even emailed the company to get clarification, which they did clarify. So, I tried explaining what the company told me to my co-worker. I feel like she just blew me off. So, I emailed the company again and asked that they educate her. I didn’t know what else to do about it.

    On a different note, I’m struggling with this DBT class. I’m having a hard time making it week to week. I don’t know. It’s just not my gig, and I’ve come to realize that my therapist has new credentials that include being a DBT therapist. I’m thinking she put me in the group just because she’s new at it. Now, even in our individual sessions she’s talking DBT and I’d rather just tell her what’s been going on in my life. So, I’m getting bored with her too.

    Doing classes online is a bit of a struggle for me. I get easily overwhelmed with the workbook I just purchased for the class. It’s the revised edition and everybody else is working in the old edition. Trying to find things in the revised edition is difficult. And the fact that we don’t just start at page one (1) makes things really confusing for me.

    Cyng

    Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace for the world. Peace for my family and friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. Lastly, thank you Lord for putting an end to this shutdown. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

    5:55 Huge changes are rumbling throughout your life. To keep these changes positive keep your thoughts positive and stay centered in prayer and affirmations.

    I have had a lot of changes lately. And so far it’s been a positive experience. It really helps that my medication is actually working. I don’t obsess over issues anymore. I’m pretty even keel, pretty laid back. I used to worry obsessively. This also seems to have slowed down.

    Messages From The Guides by James Van Praagh

    I pulled an oracle card and it figures I would get this one today, after my griping. Just goes to show I can be an idiot too! The card is about not judging people, because nobody is better than the other (short version). You can read it if you blow the photo up.

  • I Found My Back Flow Incense Burner

    Cyng
    Cyng

    I can’t believe I found my back flow incense burner! I’ve been looking for this for three (3) years. I am so happy it is back in my possession.

    I’ve had a few really positive days. It’s not that anything big has happened. I’ve just changed, emotionally. Not much bothers me. The things that do come across as bothersome are easily swept away. I’m not really sure what to blame the change in mindset, but I actually feel whole.

    The other day…. Or I should say middle of the night the other day, I had numerous triple digits come across my phone when I looked at the time:

    Cyng

    Let me start by praying my prayer: Dear God. I pray for peace. Peace in the world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

    1:11 This is an urgent message that your thoughts are manifesting urgently, so be mindful of your thoughts. As negative thoughts may become your reality. In just the same, positive thoughts may bring abundance.

    Cyng

    Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace in the world. Peace for my family and friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

    3:33 You are completely surrounded, protected, loved and guided by your angels.

    Cyng

    Heavenly Father, I pray for peace. Peace for the world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. Amen.

    12:12 spiritual meaning is spiritual alignment, growth and divine guidance. Your thoughts and actions are in harmony with your divine purpose. You are in divine alignment. You are on the right path to a spiritual awakening.

    Guess what else I found:

    Cyng: Angel Numbers 101 by Doreen Virtue

    I thought I had thrown it away. But, once again, found. I know Doreen Virtue went through a spiritual transformation of some sort. She gave her life to Jesus, so I don’t believe she makes cards or books such as this anymore.

    At one time in my life I owned over 100 decks of oracle/tarot cards. As I have progressed in my healing I’ve gotten rid of all of my cards, except maybe a handful I keep on hand, in case I feel the inspiration. One deck of oracle cards was given to me from a friend. Right now that’s my favorite deck. Mostly because it’s the only oracle deck I have now. And I, along with my brother, resonate with them at the moment.

    Cyng

    As I’m writing I glance at the time and what do I see? Triple digits.

    Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace throughout the world. Peace for my family and friends. Peace for my enemies and peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

    4:44 There are angels all around you! You are being completely loved, guided and supported by many heavenly beings, so you have nothing to fear.

    Today I am very grateful, and for a lot of things. I’m grateful for my immediate family. I’m grateful for my apartment. I’m grateful just for being alive another day.

  • I Remember When…Recovering From Trauma

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    Cyng

    I remember when I used to smoke cigarettes. I quit in August of 2023, after smoking since I was 15 years old. I remember how I would get up at 4am in the morning for work, sit out on the deck with my cup of coffee and cigarettes and watch the sun come up and the birds wake up and life was always about starting over. A brand new day.

    Now that I’ve quit smoking cigarettes my routine has changed. I don’t go outside at 4am anymore with a cup of coffee. These days I don’t even really have a set waking time. I wake up when I wake up. And instead of sitting outside with my coffee, I drink my coffee while I read my Bible, listen to meditation music, burn a candle and some incense. Pray. Once in a while I might pull three cards, hoping for inspiration. This is what starts my day now, and it can be any time of the day.

    Do I miss smoking cigarettes? No. But I do miss that morning routine of getting up with my coffee and the birds. I could probably still do it, without the cigarette part. But I’ve tried it and it’s just not the same. So I just had to switch things up. Change is always good. Maybe in time I can go sit outside at 4am again without being triggered for a cigarette.

    Something else I always look back at is how traumatized I was after that two year binge on methamphetamine. It took me five years to recover and actually feel like my old self again. For years I was so easily triggered. I took everything anybody said so personally. I definitely was not healed.

    Istockphoto.com

    And it’s not like it’s something that sticks in my mind. I mean, in my mind I may have forgiven people. But it’s the body that keeps the score. Yes, I have that book in audio. I highly recommend it to anybody trying to heal from trauma.

    In my mind, I feel I have forgiven that man. The one that introduced me to methamphetamine. But I do believe my body is keeping the score. I still have bad body sensations around my memories of this person. So, even though in my mind I have forgiven him, my body is telling me something different. And it does affect my quality of life. I haven’t been able to be in a relationship since him.

    And it’s really no different than the healing I’ve been trying to work on revolving around my family history. In my mind I feel like I have forgiven my parents. But again, the body is keeping the score and I still get bad body sensations around my mother mostly. My father passed away in 2009. But my mother is still alive and well for the most part. But, it’s another example of being hurt and trying to recover. I’m old enough now to start taking responsibility for my life without blaming others for my defects. These defects are mine, and now that I am an adult and have been made aware of where some of my bad habits came from, it’s about time I did something different. So I did. I quit associating with my mother and my youngest sister. They have a very toxic relationship between them and it spews out onto others if you spend too much time dealing with them. They are both very selfish. And though my mother has apologized for her past and present behavior, she doesn’t get a pass from me. An apology, to me, means change. If you’re apologizing that means you’re willing to change whatever behavior you’re apologizing for. I haven’t seen any change. So, her words are just empty to me. Besides that, I learned that I was not the only person she sent that text of apology to. Other family members got the exact same text. What even prompted it? My youngest sister was giving her the silent treatment.

    It is always amazing when trauma no longer runs your life. Healing is moving forward. You may never forget the trauma, but you don’t have to let it run or ruin your life. And again, I will use the word amazing. Because it’s just amazing how time truly does heal all wounds. If you can be strong enough to fight through the pain. Not a lot of people are.

    I remember feeling a lot of pain during my transformation. Healing is messy. But it’s also necessary, if you’re going to have any kind of quality of life.

    Cyng

    Again, Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace in the world. Peace for my family and friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. And thank you, Lord, for ending this government shutdown. You are a mighty miracle worker. And it’s in your great name I pray. Amen.

    I like to believe that my last prayer to God the other day was heard and answered. praise Jesus.

    The number 10:10 is about endings and beginnings.

  • Making Changes, Moving On

    Cyng

    I’ve had people come and go from my life on plenty of occasions and all for different reasons. I don’t necessarily believe anybody is meant to stay in your life, only long enough to teach you something you need to know about yourself or the world. People are teachers. People are messengers. And when the message has been delivered the person is no longer in your life.

    God also removes you from somebody’s life because you are the toxic one. People don’t like to look at themselves, so instead blame things on some invisible entity. The truth is, if you’re not willing to work on yourself I don’t want you in my life.

    Everybody has had trauma in their life at some point. Some trauma they call tiny trauma and other things they consider big trauma. My doctor diagnosed me with Complex PTSD, rather than PTSD. The reasoning is I’ve had ongoing trauma throughout my life, but most traumatic during childhood. My dad was an alcoholic whom self medicated to hide his schizophrenia. When he finally sobered up I was 16 years old. By that time the damage had already been done. But it at least explained his odd behavior.

    We were the typical dysfunctional family. Everybody had their roles. I didn’t realize this until my first stint in treatment. I was 16/17 years old. My dad had quit drinking not too long before and started on medication for his schizophrenia. I always felt he was over medicated. And I blamed my mom for that too. I couldn’t help it. I could see she was getting even with him for all the suffering he caused her. But in my eyes two wrongs don’t make a right. I felt my mother was quite cruel to him, once he became ill.

    I still carry a lot of anger towards my mother. No matter how hard I try I can’t move past it. And I know why. She’s just so phony. All of her apologies are empty, there’s no change. If you’re not going to change then why are you apologizing?

    She also uses people. My youngest sister uses people too. I know she got pregnant by this illegal immigrant on purpose and I know they quick got married when Trump became president. Now I hear they get all this free aid.

    The man I’ve been hanging out with really pulled a fast one on me. I am an introvert, let me remind you. He bought tickets for us for this Christian concert coming up. We’ve had this planned for at least six (6) months. Now he throws out that in order for me to go to the concert I have to go with him to some birthday party. And the thing is, he didn’t even ask me about it. He just assumed I would go. Well, I hate to burst his bubble, but he’s probably going to the birthday party and the concert alone. I don’t handle long days around strangers very well. By the time the concert started I’d be mentally drained. And would not enjoy myself. I don’t understand why he did this to me. Yes, I am angry.

  • Forgiveness Can Be Hard, But Necessary in Order to Move On.

    Cyng

    In the book of Mathew Jesus speaks on forgiveness. In his discussion with Peter he says not only should we forgive seven (7) times, but rather, we should forgive seventy-seven (77) times. Which literally means no matter what the circumstance you should forgive. This can be a hard pill to swallow sometimes. Especially when there’s still anger, resentment and bitterness. But forgiveness is an important aspect to healing. And if you can’t forgive then you’re still carrying a burden the other person may not even care or notice you are carrying. So, the only person truly suffering is you.

    This verse is also in reference to forgiving your brother or sister in Christ. So, what about the unbelievers? Does this pertain to them as well? I don’t think so. But using this reference makes it easier to forgive just about anybody.

    I can think of three people I am having a hard time forgiving. I mean, I have to consciously forgiven them, every day, but my mind still remembers why they need forgiveness in the first place. It’s not my job to judge. Only God can judge. And someday, maybe these three people will receive their karma. Maybe they already have and I just don’t recognize it. Maybe they don’t recognize it.

    Forgiveness is more for me than for them. I mean, they could really care less if I forgive them or not. They’re still living their lives without my forgiveness. I doubt I’m given much thought by them. And the truth is, I’m really not angry, but more so disappointed. Or, maybe I really don’t have any feelings for them at all, making it easier to forgive.

    I do consider myself to be a very forgiving person. People may hurt me, but I always come back. Sometimes it takes awhile, but I do come back.

    As far as my mother and my youngest sister. I have no feelings towards them at all anymore. Oh, I’ve forgiven them, but that doesn’t mean I want them in my life. I’ve pretty much disowned them. And I’m not angry about it. I just choose to stay away from people whom are toxic. That weird situation they’ve got going on, I want no part of it. I just pray God opens their eyes to their dysfunction.

    The other person I am having a hard time forgiving is the man that introduced me to meth. He played me like a fiddle. But I am still forgiving him and moving on. I just don’t need to have him participating in my life anymore, in any form. And I don’t need to talk to him to forgive him. Not forgiving is only hurting me.

    Cyng

    At least once a day I come across triple digits on my phone. I never used to notice this until it started appearing fairly regularly.

    4:44 has a spiritual message from the angelic realm letting you know that you are on the right path and are being supported by your angels. And that you need to focus on building a solid foundation in your life. You have the angels full support.

    Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace for everybody in the world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my family. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. In your might name I pray. Amen.

    On one last note: My job. My job is going fairly well. I find it so ironic that the client I am now working with I’ve actually met before. It was when I was dating someone whom lives kiddy corner from her. Anyway, I was on my way to see him when I ran across her at the end of her driveway on the ground. She had tipped her scooter over and cracked her head. I stopped, called an ambulance and stayed with her until help came.

    I learned she needed a PCA through a friend who was working with her but had to resign. She gave her my name and number, so she called me. And that’s how I started with her. And no, I’m no longer dating the man kiddy corner from her.

    Last note: My sleep is still quite disturbed. I’ve been waking up at midnight/2 o’clock pretty regularly these days. But I still make it to work. Well, except I had to miss a few days because I had Covid. Yes, that bug is still floating around.

  • Anxiety. What a Waste.

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    It’s only 6 o’clock in the morning and my day has already started with anxiety. I’ve actually been awake since, probably, 2am. My thoughts keep ruminating over work. When am I going to start? Every time it starts to bother me I give it to God. And sometimes I’ve gotta give it to God every thirty (30) seconds. Unfortunately, all I’m doing to distract myself is stare at the clock. Waiting for businesses to open up, so that maybe my new client will hear back from the company today. I gotta let this go somehow and maybe the best way is to try and take a nap. But my mind wanders back to work. Like I said, sometimes I’ve gotta give it to God every thirty (30) seconds, a lot of the time. This morning especially.

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    Well, God never fails. I did lay down for a nap and I woke up to find a message that I am ready to work. God never fails to amaze me. I’m working the weekend to try and catch up.

    Cyng

    This photo/lamp/beads brings up memories. I got my tall lamp out of storage and placed it in its spot, as is. I’d like to point out the beads in the photo. I remember when I had a big interest in shiny beads. So, this prompted me to dig out my box of beads. Shiny beads. The picture does them actually no justice. They still catch my eye. Whatever I was going to do with them I did not know. But it brings up sweetness in times of strife.

    Cyng

    I feel particularly fond of some interests I had in the past that I might just bring back into my life. I was a bead collector, always looking for the shiniest beads.

    The last time I actually enjoyed being out on my own was when I lived where I live now. Yeah, I’ve lived in this community before. Just a different apartment. So, I feel like God is directing me somewhere. Almost like a repeat or do-over. I say that because there are other strange things going on right now that I’m not quite ready to talk about yet in public. But I do believe God is working on my behalf!

  • Stress, That’s What They Want

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    I can’t watch main stream media news, it really stresses me out. I have a friend on the opposing side. We don’t talk politics together much, because of the differing opinions. But when I visit her she’s always watching main stream media news. So I get the privilege of watching it too. It gets to a point where I just have to walk away, because what main stream media is doing is putting fear in people. And that’s frustrating.

    I am so upset about this government shutdown. Not because of what Trump is doing, but because the democrats don’t f’ing care about what they are doing to the American people. All they care about is being “right”. All they care about is their hate toward Trump. And Trump isn’t doing anything wrong. And they hate that. So they start making shit up to put fear in people. No, illegal migrants should not be receiving benefits. They can receive services if they come into the United States the proper way. I have a right to my opinion just as well as everybody else.

    Things are not as they appear on mainstream media. It’s just strange seeing both perspectives, yet still, I am unable to find the empathy for these people. They seem so far away from what is “right”. It all appears so selfish to me.

    Changing the subject, I don’t know what to do about work. I’m getting anxious and angry. I gave my last client a two week notice and also contacted the company that I would be switching clients. Doing it this way so I would not miss any work. Well, so far I’ve had two weeks off. I’m getting angry and I’m getting nervous. My new client needs the “okay” from the company before I can start. This stuff should have been taken care of when I and the new client first contacted the company two weeks ago. So, I feel like somebody dropped the ball. My first week off was due to the flu. That’s why I haven’t posted for some time. That and the fact that my last post upset a male friend I’ve been hanging out with a bit. He told me my posts are “dumb” and “Why do you gotta talk about the past?” Well, a lot of my past is what made me the person I am today. I don’t believe I’m talking about the past too much. I also find it therapeutic. I think he’s just being jealous. And this jealousy bothers me. I can’t seem to get away from it. And, actually, him calling my posts “dumb” really hurt my feelings…NOT. He can think whatever he wants. I didn’t start this blog for him.

    Cyng

    Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace for everybody in the world. Peace for my family, my friends, my enemies and my acquaintances. I also pray for peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

  • Feeling Unwell

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    I’ve been sick, for a few days now. The doctor says it’s the flu and gave me a prescription to make it go away faster, but it hasn’t. I’m on day four (4) of the medication and I still don’t feel great. It’s disappointing because I’m missing work, and that bothers me.

    Other than that:

    Cyng
    Cyng

    Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace in this world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. In Jesus holy name, I pray. Amen.

    People may be wondering how I’m doing in my new place. I can’t complain, so far so good. I’ve got my brother staying with me until the 1st. At least he says that’s when they’re leaving. Time will tell.

    I love my apartment. And just the feeling of independence. I’m secretly glad my brother is staying for a couple weeks. That gives me time to establish my boundaries with the world.

    I did make the mistake of telling a male friend I was moving. Just one. Of course, I received a message from him asking me about it, but I haven’t answered back. I know him all too well. I’m guessing he’s only looking for one thing, and he’s probably not even clean. I don’t trust him.

    I know what meth does to people. I know they’ll lie and cheat. I’ve seen this first hand. I’ve done it. Meth makes you really….. aroused. And it’s like an itch you cannot fix. That’s why I don’t want to meet this friend. I don’t know how long he’s been clean, or if he even has been clean. But I can’t keep up with that kind of business and I want nothing to do with that crap. So I’m going to continue to ignore him, until I feel the time is right. Which will be, most likely, never.

    One thing is true, I’m certainly not lonely. I’ve got my brother staying here for a couple of weeks. Maybe more. We will see what happens on the first of the month.

    At least he’s good at keeping the floor clean. He dusts it and washes it every day. Can’t complain about that.

    And so far, even though I’m not feeling well, I’m pretty satisfied with my day.