Trauma Healing

Personal Experience Healing from Trauma

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Healing from trauma is a lifetime of work and dedication. Hi, my name is Cindy. I have started this blog to be more like a diary. I share my thoughts and experiences and joys so that I may touch just one heart out there. I won’t claim to know it all, as I am not a doctor. But what this is will be my own experience of trauma and recovery. And maybe a friend whom can share their wisdom as well. We are all walking this same journey in life. But all of our paths are different. I believe in oneness. I believe we are connected. Trauma doesn’t have to be huge to be trauma. Just being born can be a traumatic experience. Let’s talk about this and see where it goes.

  • Feeling Vulnerable

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    So, a friend and I stopped speaking to each other, again. I confronted her on a behavior of hers and she blocked me after that. I strongly feel like I’m dealing with someone with NPD. And sometimes I wonder if I’m trauma bonded to this relationship/friendship.

    We go around and around, all of the time. She blocks me when I say something she doesn’t like. And I know she knows how I feel about people blocking people. But she wants to play that game. That’s fine. She’s not hurting my feelings anymore like she used to. I’ve actually acclimated to the treatment.

    The truth is, I don’t want someone in my life like that anymore. She can’t be a friend and she can’t be a romantic. She’s controlling and manipulative. She lacks empathy and compassion, except for the compassion she has for herself. The only sad part about it is I have to end more friendships, because they were mutual friends. And, since she runs the show none of them are talking to me either. That’s a little disheartening (and NPD behavior), but I’ve gotta just let it go and move forward with my life. I can’t stand this constant back and forth. Next time I run into her I’m running in the opposite direction. I have a feeling this is our last “breakup” (though I believe a lot of people are making bets).

    Our friendship has been volatile for many years. I would say ever since I divorced my second husband. That was over ten (10) years ago now. I think it’s time to give it up. Sometimes I really want to say something to her, but I know it’s just my ego talking, wanting to get the last word in. I remind myself a lot not to start anything or say anything. Because I don’t want to deal with the denial she lives in. So, we’re just going to leave things be. Let the dust settle. Time heals everything. That is something I’ve learned through all this growing. I don’t have to have the last word, I don’t have to explain myself, and I don’t have to convince anybody of anything. None of it even matters anymore.

  • Some People Really Frustrate Me

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    I don’t know if I should even be talking about this, but I find some people to really be idiots. That includes me. But seriously, I have a co-worker …. This person is an idiot. I don’t know what else to say about it. She’s trying to tell me things about the job that I know are not accurate. I’ve even emailed the company to get clarification, which they did clarify. So, I tried explaining what the company told me to my co-worker. I feel like she just blew me off. So, I emailed the company again and asked that they educate her. I didn’t know what else to do about it.

    On a different note, I’m struggling with this DBT class. I’m having a hard time making it week to week. I don’t know. It’s just not my gig, and I’ve come to realize that my therapist has new credentials that include being a DBT therapist. I’m thinking she put me in the group just because she’s new at it. Now, even in our individual sessions she’s talking DBT and I’d rather just tell her what’s been going on in my life. So, I’m getting bored with her too.

    Doing classes online is a bit of a struggle for me. I get easily overwhelmed with the workbook I just purchased for the class. It’s the revised edition and everybody else is working in the old edition. Trying to find things in the revised edition is difficult. And the fact that we don’t just start at page one (1) makes things really confusing for me.

    Cyng

    Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace for the world. Peace for my family and friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. Lastly, thank you Lord for putting an end to this shutdown. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

    5:55 Huge changes are rumbling throughout your life. To keep these changes positive keep your thoughts positive and stay centered in prayer and affirmations.

    I have had a lot of changes lately. And so far it’s been a positive experience. It really helps that my medication is actually working. I don’t obsess over issues anymore. I’m pretty even keel, pretty laid back. I used to worry obsessively. This also seems to have slowed down.

    Messages From The Guides by James Van Praagh

    I pulled an oracle card and it figures I would get this one today, after my griping. Just goes to show I can be an idiot too! The card is about not judging people, because nobody is better than the other (short version). You can read it if you blow the photo up.

  • I Found My Back Flow Incense Burner

    Cyng
    Cyng

    I can’t believe I found my back flow incense burner! I’ve been looking for this for three (3) years. I am so happy it is back in my possession.

    I’ve had a few really positive days. It’s not that anything big has happened. I’ve just changed, emotionally. Not much bothers me. The things that do come across as bothersome are easily swept away. I’m not really sure what to blame the change in mindset, but I actually feel whole.

    The other day…. Or I should say middle of the night the other day, I had numerous triple digits come across my phone when I looked at the time:

    Cyng

    Let me start by praying my prayer: Dear God. I pray for peace. Peace in the world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

    1:11 This is an urgent message that your thoughts are manifesting urgently, so be mindful of your thoughts. As negative thoughts may become your reality. In just the same, positive thoughts may bring abundance.

    Cyng

    Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace in the world. Peace for my family and friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

    3:33 You are completely surrounded, protected, loved and guided by your angels.

    Cyng

    Heavenly Father, I pray for peace. Peace for the world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. Amen.

    12:12 spiritual meaning is spiritual alignment, growth and divine guidance. Your thoughts and actions are in harmony with your divine purpose. You are in divine alignment. You are on the right path to a spiritual awakening.

    Guess what else I found:

    Cyng: Angel Numbers 101 by Doreen Virtue

    I thought I had thrown it away. But, once again, found. I know Doreen Virtue went through a spiritual transformation of some sort. She gave her life to Jesus, so I don’t believe she makes cards or books such as this anymore.

    At one time in my life I owned over 100 decks of oracle/tarot cards. As I have progressed in my healing I’ve gotten rid of all of my cards, except maybe a handful I keep on hand, in case I feel the inspiration. One deck of oracle cards was given to me from a friend. Right now that’s my favorite deck. Mostly because it’s the only oracle deck I have now. And I, along with my brother, resonate with them at the moment.

    Cyng

    As I’m writing I glance at the time and what do I see? Triple digits.

    Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace throughout the world. Peace for my family and friends. Peace for my enemies and peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

    4:44 There are angels all around you! You are being completely loved, guided and supported by many heavenly beings, so you have nothing to fear.

    Today I am very grateful, and for a lot of things. I’m grateful for my immediate family. I’m grateful for my apartment. I’m grateful just for being alive another day.

  • I Remember When…Recovering From Trauma

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    Cyng

    I remember when I used to smoke cigarettes. I quit in August of 2023, after smoking since I was 15 years old. I remember how I would get up at 4am in the morning for work, sit out on the deck with my cup of coffee and cigarettes and watch the sun come up and the birds wake up and life was always about starting over. A brand new day.

    Now that I’ve quit smoking cigarettes my routine has changed. I don’t go outside at 4am anymore with a cup of coffee. These days I don’t even really have a set waking time. I wake up when I wake up. And instead of sitting outside with my coffee, I drink my coffee while I read my Bible, listen to meditation music, burn a candle and some incense. Pray. Once in a while I might pull three cards, hoping for inspiration. This is what starts my day now, and it can be any time of the day.

    Do I miss smoking cigarettes? No. But I do miss that morning routine of getting up with my coffee and the birds. I could probably still do it, without the cigarette part. But I’ve tried it and it’s just not the same. So I just had to switch things up. Change is always good. Maybe in time I can go sit outside at 4am again without being triggered for a cigarette.

    Something else I always look back at is how traumatized I was after that two year binge on methamphetamine. It took me five years to recover and actually feel like my old self again. For years I was so easily triggered. I took everything anybody said so personally. I definitely was not healed.

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    And it’s not like it’s something that sticks in my mind. I mean, in my mind I may have forgiven people. But it’s the body that keeps the score. Yes, I have that book in audio. I highly recommend it to anybody trying to heal from trauma.

    In my mind, I feel I have forgiven that man. The one that introduced me to methamphetamine. But I do believe my body is keeping the score. I still have bad body sensations around my memories of this person. So, even though in my mind I have forgiven him, my body is telling me something different. And it does affect my quality of life. I haven’t been able to be in a relationship since him.

    And it’s really no different than the healing I’ve been trying to work on revolving around my family history. In my mind I feel like I have forgiven my parents. But again, the body is keeping the score and I still get bad body sensations around my mother mostly. My father passed away in 2009. But my mother is still alive and well for the most part. But, it’s another example of being hurt and trying to recover. I’m old enough now to start taking responsibility for my life without blaming others for my defects. These defects are mine, and now that I am an adult and have been made aware of where some of my bad habits came from, it’s about time I did something different. So I did. I quit associating with my mother and my youngest sister. They have a very toxic relationship between them and it spews out onto others if you spend too much time dealing with them. They are both very selfish. And though my mother has apologized for her past and present behavior, she doesn’t get a pass from me. An apology, to me, means change. If you’re apologizing that means you’re willing to change whatever behavior you’re apologizing for. I haven’t seen any change. So, her words are just empty to me. Besides that, I learned that I was not the only person she sent that text of apology to. Other family members got the exact same text. What even prompted it? My youngest sister was giving her the silent treatment.

    It is always amazing when trauma no longer runs your life. Healing is moving forward. You may never forget the trauma, but you don’t have to let it run or ruin your life. And again, I will use the word amazing. Because it’s just amazing how time truly does heal all wounds. If you can be strong enough to fight through the pain. Not a lot of people are.

    I remember feeling a lot of pain during my transformation. Healing is messy. But it’s also necessary, if you’re going to have any kind of quality of life.

    Cyng

    Again, Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace in the world. Peace for my family and friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. And thank you, Lord, for ending this government shutdown. You are a mighty miracle worker. And it’s in your great name I pray. Amen.

    I like to believe that my last prayer to God the other day was heard and answered. praise Jesus.

    The number 10:10 is about endings and beginnings.

  • Making Changes, Moving On

    Cyng

    I’ve had people come and go from my life on plenty of occasions and all for different reasons. I don’t necessarily believe anybody is meant to stay in your life, only long enough to teach you something you need to know about yourself or the world. People are teachers. People are messengers. And when the message has been delivered the person is no longer in your life.

    God also removes you from somebody’s life because you are the toxic one. People don’t like to look at themselves, so instead blame things on some invisible entity. The truth is, if you’re not willing to work on yourself I don’t want you in my life.

    Everybody has had trauma in their life at some point. Some trauma they call tiny trauma and other things they consider big trauma. My doctor diagnosed me with Complex PTSD, rather than PTSD. The reasoning is I’ve had ongoing trauma throughout my life, but most traumatic during childhood. My dad was an alcoholic whom self medicated to hide his schizophrenia. When he finally sobered up I was 16 years old. By that time the damage had already been done. But it at least explained his odd behavior.

    We were the typical dysfunctional family. Everybody had their roles. I didn’t realize this until my first stint in treatment. I was 16/17 years old. My dad had quit drinking not too long before and started on medication for his schizophrenia. I always felt he was over medicated. And I blamed my mom for that too. I couldn’t help it. I could see she was getting even with him for all the suffering he caused her. But in my eyes two wrongs don’t make a right. I felt my mother was quite cruel to him, once he became ill.

    I still carry a lot of anger towards my mother. No matter how hard I try I can’t move past it. And I know why. She’s just so phony. All of her apologies are empty, there’s no change. If you’re not going to change then why are you apologizing?

    She also uses people. My youngest sister uses people too. I know she got pregnant by this illegal immigrant on purpose and I know they quick got married when Trump became president. Now I hear they get all this free aid.

    The man I’ve been hanging out with really pulled a fast one on me. I am an introvert, let me remind you. He bought tickets for us for this Christian concert coming up. We’ve had this planned for at least six (6) months. Now he throws out that in order for me to go to the concert I have to go with him to some birthday party. And the thing is, he didn’t even ask me about it. He just assumed I would go. Well, I hate to burst his bubble, but he’s probably going to the birthday party and the concert alone. I don’t handle long days around strangers very well. By the time the concert started I’d be mentally drained. And would not enjoy myself. I don’t understand why he did this to me. Yes, I am angry.

  • Forgiveness Can Be Hard, But Necessary in Order to Move On.

    Cyng

    In the book of Mathew Jesus speaks on forgiveness. In his discussion with Peter he says not only should we forgive seven (7) times, but rather, we should forgive seventy-seven (77) times. Which literally means no matter what the circumstance you should forgive. This can be a hard pill to swallow sometimes. Especially when there’s still anger, resentment and bitterness. But forgiveness is an important aspect to healing. And if you can’t forgive then you’re still carrying a burden the other person may not even care or notice you are carrying. So, the only person truly suffering is you.

    This verse is also in reference to forgiving your brother or sister in Christ. So, what about the unbelievers? Does this pertain to them as well? I don’t think so. But using this reference makes it easier to forgive just about anybody.

    I can think of three people I am having a hard time forgiving. I mean, I have to consciously forgiven them, every day, but my mind still remembers why they need forgiveness in the first place. It’s not my job to judge. Only God can judge. And someday, maybe these three people will receive their karma. Maybe they already have and I just don’t recognize it. Maybe they don’t recognize it.

    Forgiveness is more for me than for them. I mean, they could really care less if I forgive them or not. They’re still living their lives without my forgiveness. I doubt I’m given much thought by them. And the truth is, I’m really not angry, but more so disappointed. Or, maybe I really don’t have any feelings for them at all, making it easier to forgive.

    I do consider myself to be a very forgiving person. People may hurt me, but I always come back. Sometimes it takes awhile, but I do come back.

    As far as my mother and my youngest sister. I have no feelings towards them at all anymore. Oh, I’ve forgiven them, but that doesn’t mean I want them in my life. I’ve pretty much disowned them. And I’m not angry about it. I just choose to stay away from people whom are toxic. That weird situation they’ve got going on, I want no part of it. I just pray God opens their eyes to their dysfunction.

    The other person I am having a hard time forgiving is the man that introduced me to meth. He played me like a fiddle. But I am still forgiving him and moving on. I just don’t need to have him participating in my life anymore, in any form. And I don’t need to talk to him to forgive him. Not forgiving is only hurting me.

    Cyng

    At least once a day I come across triple digits on my phone. I never used to notice this until it started appearing fairly regularly.

    4:44 has a spiritual message from the angelic realm letting you know that you are on the right path and are being supported by your angels. And that you need to focus on building a solid foundation in your life. You have the angels full support.

    Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace for everybody in the world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my family. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. In your might name I pray. Amen.

    On one last note: My job. My job is going fairly well. I find it so ironic that the client I am now working with I’ve actually met before. It was when I was dating someone whom lives kiddy corner from her. Anyway, I was on my way to see him when I ran across her at the end of her driveway on the ground. She had tipped her scooter over and cracked her head. I stopped, called an ambulance and stayed with her until help came.

    I learned she needed a PCA through a friend who was working with her but had to resign. She gave her my name and number, so she called me. And that’s how I started with her. And no, I’m no longer dating the man kiddy corner from her.

    Last note: My sleep is still quite disturbed. I’ve been waking up at midnight/2 o’clock pretty regularly these days. But I still make it to work. Well, except I had to miss a few days because I had Covid. Yes, that bug is still floating around.

  • Anxiety. What a Waste.

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    It’s only 6 o’clock in the morning and my day has already started with anxiety. I’ve actually been awake since, probably, 2am. My thoughts keep ruminating over work. When am I going to start? Every time it starts to bother me I give it to God. And sometimes I’ve gotta give it to God every thirty (30) seconds. Unfortunately, all I’m doing to distract myself is stare at the clock. Waiting for businesses to open up, so that maybe my new client will hear back from the company today. I gotta let this go somehow and maybe the best way is to try and take a nap. But my mind wanders back to work. Like I said, sometimes I’ve gotta give it to God every thirty (30) seconds, a lot of the time. This morning especially.

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    Well, God never fails. I did lay down for a nap and I woke up to find a message that I am ready to work. God never fails to amaze me. I’m working the weekend to try and catch up.

    Cyng

    This photo/lamp/beads brings up memories. I got my tall lamp out of storage and placed it in its spot, as is. I’d like to point out the beads in the photo. I remember when I had a big interest in shiny beads. So, this prompted me to dig out my box of beads. Shiny beads. The picture does them actually no justice. They still catch my eye. Whatever I was going to do with them I did not know. But it brings up sweetness in times of strife.

    Cyng

    I feel particularly fond of some interests I had in the past that I might just bring back into my life. I was a bead collector, always looking for the shiniest beads.

    The last time I actually enjoyed being out on my own was when I lived where I live now. Yeah, I’ve lived in this community before. Just a different apartment. So, I feel like God is directing me somewhere. Almost like a repeat or do-over. I say that because there are other strange things going on right now that I’m not quite ready to talk about yet in public. But I do believe God is working on my behalf!

  • Stress, That’s What They Want

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    I can’t watch main stream media news, it really stresses me out. I have a friend on the opposing side. We don’t talk politics together much, because of the differing opinions. But when I visit her she’s always watching main stream media news. So I get the privilege of watching it too. It gets to a point where I just have to walk away, because what main stream media is doing is putting fear in people. And that’s frustrating.

    I am so upset about this government shutdown. Not because of what Trump is doing, but because the democrats don’t f’ing care about what they are doing to the American people. All they care about is being “right”. All they care about is their hate toward Trump. And Trump isn’t doing anything wrong. And they hate that. So they start making shit up to put fear in people. No, illegal migrants should not be receiving benefits. They can receive services if they come into the United States the proper way. I have a right to my opinion just as well as everybody else.

    Things are not as they appear on mainstream media. It’s just strange seeing both perspectives, yet still, I am unable to find the empathy for these people. They seem so far away from what is “right”. It all appears so selfish to me.

    Changing the subject, I don’t know what to do about work. I’m getting anxious and angry. I gave my last client a two week notice and also contacted the company that I would be switching clients. Doing it this way so I would not miss any work. Well, so far I’ve had two weeks off. I’m getting angry and I’m getting nervous. My new client needs the “okay” from the company before I can start. This stuff should have been taken care of when I and the new client first contacted the company two weeks ago. So, I feel like somebody dropped the ball. My first week off was due to the flu. That’s why I haven’t posted for some time. That and the fact that my last post upset a male friend I’ve been hanging out with a bit. He told me my posts are “dumb” and “Why do you gotta talk about the past?” Well, a lot of my past is what made me the person I am today. I don’t believe I’m talking about the past too much. I also find it therapeutic. I think he’s just being jealous. And this jealousy bothers me. I can’t seem to get away from it. And, actually, him calling my posts “dumb” really hurt my feelings…NOT. He can think whatever he wants. I didn’t start this blog for him.

    Cyng

    Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace for everybody in the world. Peace for my family, my friends, my enemies and my acquaintances. I also pray for peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

  • Feeling Unwell

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    I’ve been sick, for a few days now. The doctor says it’s the flu and gave me a prescription to make it go away faster, but it hasn’t. I’m on day four (4) of the medication and I still don’t feel great. It’s disappointing because I’m missing work, and that bothers me.

    Other than that:

    Cyng
    Cyng

    Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace in this world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. In Jesus holy name, I pray. Amen.

    People may be wondering how I’m doing in my new place. I can’t complain, so far so good. I’ve got my brother staying with me until the 1st. At least he says that’s when they’re leaving. Time will tell.

    I love my apartment. And just the feeling of independence. I’m secretly glad my brother is staying for a couple weeks. That gives me time to establish my boundaries with the world.

    I did make the mistake of telling a male friend I was moving. Just one. Of course, I received a message from him asking me about it, but I haven’t answered back. I know him all too well. I’m guessing he’s only looking for one thing, and he’s probably not even clean. I don’t trust him.

    I know what meth does to people. I know they’ll lie and cheat. I’ve seen this first hand. I’ve done it. Meth makes you really….. aroused. And it’s like an itch you cannot fix. That’s why I don’t want to meet this friend. I don’t know how long he’s been clean, or if he even has been clean. But I can’t keep up with that kind of business and I want nothing to do with that crap. So I’m going to continue to ignore him, until I feel the time is right. Which will be, most likely, never.

    One thing is true, I’m certainly not lonely. I’ve got my brother staying here for a couple of weeks. Maybe more. We will see what happens on the first of the month.

    At least he’s good at keeping the floor clean. He dusts it and washes it every day. Can’t complain about that.

    And so far, even though I’m not feeling well, I’m pretty satisfied with my day.

  • Triple Digits

    Cyng

    Praise Jesus! I pray for peace. Peace in the world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. In Jesus precious name. Amen

    Cyng

    Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace in the world, peace for my family, peace for my friends, peace for my enemies and peace for myself. In Jesus great name I pray. Amen.

    This has been a reoccurring theme for me for about a year now. I just randomly look at the time and see triple digits.

    4:44 is a sign from your angels that you are on the right path and now is a good time to manifest the things you want in life. It’s a sign of angelic guidance, stability and protection.

    The spiritual meaning of 3:33 centers around divine growth and progress. It indicates that you are on the right path in your spiritual journey. Your ascended masters are around you to help you get in alignment with your life purpose.

    These are just short versions of things I’ve read on the spiritual meaning of these numbers.

    Cyng

    Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace for the world. Peace for my family. And peace for my friends. Peace for my family and peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

    11:11 has a spiritual meaning behind it. It resembles a spiritual awakening and that you are on the right path.

    Just so people understand, I don’t sit and stare at the clock. This phenomenon has been going on with me for at least six (6) months, if not a year. I just randomly look at the time and it just happens to be those magical numbers.

    I feel God is trying to send me messages through supernatural ways. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing.

    I know I have a lot of enemies. Buy I still pray for them. I pray for peace for everybody. Because I just want everybody to get along.

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    Anyway, it is now early morning. I think I’ve been up since 2am and now it’s 4:30am. I miss summer already. This year has flown right by. I don’t know where I’ve been. But it seems like we just got rid of the cold and now it’s right around the corner again. It’s kind of depressing. I really don’t like winter. I don’t know why I live in a snowy state. I guess I’ve just never been brave enough to just uproot myself. And these days, with society the way it is, I’m too scared to now.

    Cyng

    Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace for everybody in this world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. It’s in your precious name I pray. Amen

    Like I said, I see it everywhere. My life really is content right now. Moving out of my family’s home was, so far, a great transition. And I’ll say it again, I can’t believe how much I’ve conquered my fear.

    It sounds like my brother is leaving on the first of the month. I guess we will see about that. I know he and his girlfriend are planning a trip away. I have no clue when they’ll be back.

  • Praying for Peace

    Cyng

    Seeing the number 3:33 often indicates divine guidance, high consciousness and spiritual assistance from ascended masters. It’s a sign to be more mindful and to lighten up.

    Of course, and my prayer: Dear God. I pray for peace. Peace throughout the world. Peace for my family and friends. Peace for my enemies and peace for myself. In Jesus Holy name. Amen.

    I do not want to wish ill will on anybody. Everybody reaps what they sow. I have no reason to get involved in Gods work. Yes, I do believe God talks to me. I believe he takes care of me. And I believe that everything is happening for the betterment of all involved.

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    I still had a very hard time sleeping last night. I was up several times throughout the night. I finally gave in and made coffee at 5am. I’m trying to figure out what is causing this? It’s really frustrating because it makes me tired all day then and I may end up taking a nap. Then we start the whole problem over again the next night.

    Yes, I still think my apartment is the best. And so far no issues with my brother. It’s actually been kind of nice to have some company for a while.

    I have therapy today at 9am. Of course, I’m not prepared because I can’t find my diary cards. They’ve been packed away somewhere. I still haven’t come across them. I did finally find my tablet. I put it up on the top shelf of my closet, on top of a box full of stuff.

    I truly feel that moving out on my own after five (5+) years of living with my family is probably one of my better decisions I’ve made. I think it was time. And that I’m not feeling any fear about it makes it the greatest. But I was sure feeling a lot of fear prior to the move I was afraid I was making a big mistake. But, now that I’m here I don’t see the big deal about it. Why was I so afraid? I can tell you why. Because the last time I was out on my own I really made a mess of things for myself. But those same issues are not going to happen again. Much more wiser.

  • Another Sleepless Night

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    Day one (1): don’t know what’s going on with my biological clock again. I’m having a hard time sleeping or staying asleep. I woke up at midnight tonight and as the clock displays, it is now almost 3am. I’m tired, but my mind seems to be preoccupied by other things. I’m trying to figure out the best way to help my brother. I’m switching clients again. The drive is just too far for the client I’m currently working with. I found another client with the same company 1/4 of the distance closer.

    Cyng

    I sure love my lights. And it does give me some fond feelings from the last time I was actually on my own. For me, they are comforting. I only use purple. It’s the only color that gives me the feelings I get. Feelings of comfort and home. Relaxing. Just … surreal with meditation music and a candle and some incense.

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    Day two (2): Again, I woke up thinking it was 6 o’clock in the morning and it’s actually only 2:50am. I’ve been awake and up since around 2am. I could’ve sworn the time said 6am on my clock. I got up and made some coffee before realizing how early it really was.

    I’m thankful my brother is a heavy sleeper. I’d hate to feel the same way I did at my daughter and son-in-law’s, feeling like I need to get out of bed in the middle of the night, but no place to go, because I didn’t want to wake anybody up. So far, I haven’t had any issues with my brother. We will see how long it lasts.

    Cyng

    I wanted to show off this drum I made completely by hand about a year ago. I didn’t have any place to hang it before, but hanging it on my wall at my new place, is priceless. It’s made with real deer skin. I had to let the thing completely dry after I put it together. And when I dries it tightens and the deer skin shrinks, making a really nice drum tone once it’s dried completely.

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    I just can’t believe how I let this move worry me for weeks. Projecting the worst case scenario. My faith in God had faltered at that time. Lord, please forgive me for not trusting you and thinking I can drive the bus myself. It’s obvious I don’t have the plan, you do Lord, and I am putting complete faith in you. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

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    I had to postpone DBT until November. With moving and switching clients I just didn’t have time to start this at this moment. But we still go through the diary cards (although I can’t remember where I packed them). I suppose I better try looking for them again. just like I misplaced my iPad. And it doesn’t help to use find my iPad, because I shut that feature off on the tablet. Anyway, I did finally find it on the very top shelf of one of my closets. I don’t remember even putting it there. But I was thankful. It was driving me nuts not being able to find it.

    I really don’t have anything enlightening this morning. It’s now 4am and I’m wondering if I should try taking a nap.

    I’m wondering if I’m going through a mania cycle. Lack of sleep, impulsive spending. Personally, I think I’m just excited to finally have my own place. I feel really good about it. I can make coffee at 4am. Which I did.

  • Dear God

    Cyng

    I pray for peace. Peace for the world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

    I’m a bit upset this evening. My brother broke my brand new microwave and now I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t have extra money to buy another one. This is probably my own fault. I should’ve showed him how to use it. It’s different than any I’ve ever used before, and I’m sure him as well. But I left the instruction stickers on the dang thing. I thought maybe he would have read them. But then again. I should’ve known better. Men don’t read instructions. I’m trying not to be upset, but it’s coming out more as anxiety. I don’t know when I’m going to be able to get another one and now I don’t know what to do with this broken one.

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    Ha. I was just about to throw this microwave in the dumpster. I got dressed to do it. But I tried it one more time. I took the towel away that was in front of it and gave it another try, coat on and everything. Ha, now it works. Apparently the towel that was sitting in front of it was jarring the door so it wouldn’t shut all the way. I’m feeling pretty foolish right now.

    Cyng

    I’m really digging my new space. I can burn my candles whenever I want. Burn incense whenever I want. There are so many things I can do now that I couldn’t do before. I’m pretty excited about this. I can decorate my own patio area. It’s like living in a huge bedroom with a small kitchen and bathroom. Charming. I love it. And hopefully I can tolerate my “roommate”.

    Cyng

    Dear Almighty God, I pray for peace for the world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray.

  • Room Remodel

    Cyng

    I put strip lights along the ceiling of my apartment and I think it is so beautiful. It displays all colors, but I have a preference to purple, so that’s where it stays.

    I am so happy to have my own place. Well, not alone anymore. My brother is staying with me now. Feels like a tight fit, but we’re making it work. I sure am glad I picked up a twin mattress from facebook marketplace. It even came with a platform.

    But now my house feels really cluttered. I’m not sure how to solve the problem, except put the rest of my clothes away that are in a basket.

    I’m thinking about getting a couple outfits for my brother. He has nothing for clothes here and I don’t know when his gf is even going to bring what he has. I’m a poor person in a giving mood.

    Cyng

    I’m still very bitter towards my youngest sister and my mother. The way they have used and taken advantage of my brother still has my head boiling. But I’m going to try and help my brother get a mental health case worker to help him find some services.

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    Lastly, I think I’m growing a crush on someone. But it’s hard to tell, because we really haven’t spent that much time alone together. Now that I have a roommate it’s a little embarrassing for me to get too close to my new friend. But I do know I like him enough. He’s different than most men I’ve dated. And I’ve never dated a Capricorn. So we’re going to see how this goes.

    The biggest issue with me is trust. And though I strongly feel this man would never intentionally hurt me, it’s the body that keeps the score. When we are affectionate it feels suffocating at times. I just don’t trust him yet. And it has nothing to do with anything he’s done. It’s just me, and my past. Some actions are just really triggering.

  • There it is Again

    Cyng

    I didn’t get a chance to post this one a few days ago. What is up with all these random numbers? What does it mean? I always ask myself that, and wonder why…..?

    Googling 10:10 tells me this number is about endings and beginnings and personal growth. It also relates to having a spiritual awakening.

    Of course I said my prayer: Dear God. Please give peace to everybody in the world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my enemies and peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

    I really need prayers for this anger and resentment I have towards my youngest sister right now. My brother sold off all of his property a few years ago when he was having mental health issues, paid off the mortgage on the house with the money he got from selling his other properties off and then turned around and GAVE the property with the house on it to my sister for free, let me repeat. FOR FREE. And now she’s kicking him out of there. That is not right, and in my eyes that is financial exploitation of a vulnerable adult. My brother was in a very vulnerable state when he signed that property over to my sister and my sister took advantage of his condition. I filed a report, but was told nothing was going to be done about it. So, I called to ask why? I’m waiting for a call back from my county agency. In the meantime it sounds like he may be staying with me. All I can do at this time is pray. And have faith that everything is going to work out. She will get her turn with karma.

    Some of my family is such a mess. Some family meaning my mother and my youngest sister. This is not a racist comment, but I know she got pregnant on purpose to trap her new, now husband. And I’m not even sure if he’s legally allowed in the country. But I sure found it ironic that they ran off and got married as soon as Trump was elected into office. But I don’t want to start any rumors. I don’t know anything about it for a fact. I’ve just been getting bits and pieces from other family members. I personally do not associate with my youngest sister. And since my mother is living there with her I don’t associate with my mother either. I’ve already concluded that if/when she passes I will not go to the funeral. I will go visit her on my own time at the grave. This may sound like a terrible thing, but if you knew my family you wouldn’t be surprised. The only reason my youngest sister is allowing my brother’s gf to stay there is because they want to use her to do things for them. That’s it, that’s all in a nutshell.